Regular readers of my blog will know that I am about to set out on a 2 week journey around Australia on a search for love while also raising funds for the Cancer Council. http://goingthedistance.com.au/
As part of this fabulous journey, I need to contact single men in various states in Australia, to see if they are up for a date with little old me. Now, I have to be honest, my history with internet dating has not been good and I decided several months ago to totally give it up - believing it was a rather torturous way to meet ' Mr Right' (or even Mr Right now). However, due to taking part in this documentary, I had to re-open my online dating profile and give it another go.
About a week ago, I took the plunge and contacted ( or cyber kissed) 5 guys in various different states that we plan to visit. Going on my previous lack of success, I wasn't that surprised when 4 of the guys declined to receive further contact from me. OK I thought, I can push ahead with this, they don't know me and maybe it is just a numbers game??? So I put on my thick skinned mask and decided to give it another couple of days before I tried again.
Last night, on discussing the lack of response and mounting number of rejections I was receiving, a male friend of mine took control, re-vamped my profile and, over a bottle of wine and a pizza, we decided to throw another hook into the online dating pool. This time, I decided to form a more direct approach, sending a few emails to selected chaps rather than just an initial cyber kiss. I actually felt quite inspired and excited last night as maybe, just maybe an update of my profile was all that was required to improve my overall response success rate.
This morning, I eagerly switched on my laptop, excited to see what responses I had received. Hurrah I thought, this time it just may be different and I will have heaps of dates lined up for me around Australia. Maybe today will be the day that I can throw out my 'loser in love' name tag?
Alas, the news wasn't good as the majority of my responses again, were a polite but outstanding NO.
Being the good little life coach that I am, I started to justify the reasons for this in my mind. The top 3 justifications are as follows:
1) The universe has something better in mind for me and my Mr Right is not to be found on an online dating site.
2) The rejections are simply because they are not the right person for me.
3) I have two heads, fish scales all over my body and an obvious fatal flaw which nobody has bothered to point out to me for 41 years.
Number 3 has always been an interesting one for me and this set me on a snow ball of negative thoughts such as 'Am I so ugly that nobody even wants to chat to me' or ' I told you so, you are not good enough to meet a nice guy' or my old favourite ' Love is for other people and not you'
If that wasn't bad enough, I started to imagine all the other wonderful girls on the trip being inundated with dates and myself spending nights in on my own listening to ' All by myself' while pretending It didn't really bother me.
The fact it, it does bother me. In my 20's and 30's I seemed to have no issue in finding a date. Granted, my ex husband obviously preferred the company of my next door neighbour to myself but even a divorce didn't really knock my confidence....or maybe somewhere unconsciously it did? Maybe my lack of success in relationships was down to being in a 5 year abusive relationship where I was informed daily that I was unlovable or that nobody in their right mind would be interested in me? Or maybe, just maybe, dating in Sydney is just really really hard?
Despite feeling a little sad today, I do know one thing. I will not allow my relationships of the past effect my future relationships. Whatever the reason for my lack of online dating success , it is crazy to blame anyone else for it.
I have done heaps of work on myself in the past, learning to love myself again and also putting good boundaries in place. I now refuse to let any mouldy old history or negative belief pattern stand in my way.
So today I declare 2012 to be my year for love. Yes, I know I will need to keep a check on my negative beliefs about myself and will need to encourage myself to keep trying. But deep down, I also hope that the universe has somebody really special lined up for me.
If you would like to follow my journey to love on the 'Going the Distance' documentary, please do so on our facebook page http://www.facebook.com/#!/goingthedistancedoco
or the website link above.