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Saturday, March 19, 2011

I am prey

I am prey.  Fortunately, years of being a Life Coach and some tough lessons have taught me this.  When I mean prey, I mean controlling, abusive and somewhat harmful energies seemed to seek me out and choose me as their next victim. For many of my years, I couldn't work out why this was happening. Especially when I considered myself a NICE person.  Now I know, that this was part of the problem.  I was tooooooooo nice allowing others to walk all over my somewhat invisible boundaries, control my choices in life and leave me feeling powerless and a soggy trodden on door mat. 

Once I became aware of my status of prey,  I started my journey of learning to care for myself, putting up loving boundaries and learning to stand up for myself. 

I am the first to admit that this has not been an easy task and sometimes the thought of how the other person would react to me informing them that their behaviour was not acceptable to me, left me shaking in my boots! Some days I got it so wrong, other days I walked away seething in resentment after allowing someone ( yet again) to take advantage of my caregiver personality.

One of most light bulb moments to me was realising how several people who I deemed as friends, were displaying controlling and aggressive behaviour towards myself.   For years, I tried to ignore it, perhaps distancing myself from them for a while or even worse, having a bitching session about them behind their backs.   The truth was that I was actually in denial.   I didnt' want to lose them from my life or felt in some way that I 'owed them' my friendship or convinced myself that ' they didn't mean it'

The universe however has had different ideas.  Since Jan 1 2011 this year, all of the negative and somewhat toxic people in my life have been ' removed'.   One just drifted out failing to return my calls and another I just decided enough was enough and chose to walk away.

The final test has been with a friend who I realise now , that I am really scared stiff of!  My behaviour around her is passive, appeasing with the objective of keeping her happy and not rocking the boat.    Her behaviour traits are very similar to an abusive boyfriend of mine that it presses many of my hot buttons leaving me feeling bullied and downtrodden. 

However, yesterday, the light bulb has gone on for good and I am now choosing to release myself from this person for good.   Not only have I made this decision, but In addition, for the peace of my own body,  I have chosen to address her behaviour towards myself and talk to her about it.  Enough is Enough!

I thought I would feel scared at this thought but in fact, I feel empowered.   I feel strong and also relieved that I will no longer allow this person to treat me like this.   I will speak my truth and if they don't like it - I don't actually care.   No longer do I care if she doesn't like it, becomes aggressive or spends the rest of her life telling everyone what a cow I am.

I feel good that I can walk away from this ' friendship' with my head up high knowing that I have stayed in my light and have not lowered myself to some of the low blows and passive aggressive behaviour she has bestowed upon me.

However, for me, the lesson has also been to speak up if someone violates me and that it is ok to walk away from someone who continually treats me badly.  I also know not to ignore my intuition who has been warning me for ages to just Stay Away! 

Wish me luck!

3 comments:

  1. Yes, wish you good luck. These all things do happened with me also. But, I'm grateful that I'm not alone and not everyone also. The things you're writting here are very similar to those I've been writing in my personal diary. That's good.

    Rex

    rexritesh@gmail.com

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  2. Amazing....Sounds so familiar...All of these things have been happening to me for many years making me doubt myself at times with question popping WHY ME? People expect others to agree with everything they do and yet critical of others around them. They don't realise how bad the implications can be on sensitive minds. I've stood up for myself and expressed my disappointment over their actions and felt very good. I think for most of us our family values and expectations could be responsible forbidding us to stand up to destructive minds. Keep up with the good work. Look forward to more.

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  3. Thank you all for your comments, well done on taking action and standing up for yourself - it takes practice and courage. But remember, you are worth it and it is ok to walk away from other people who harm you with words and actions.

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