I am not sure when this 'feeling' decided to attach itself to my self esteem - but recently I have begin to believe that I have a second head or a fatal flaw which hot single men seem to be aware of.
Is it being 40 and somewhat single for the past two years which has brought on this feeling of unworthiness I wonder? Or perhaps taking too much notice of one's ex who repeatedly informed me that ' nobody else would be interested in me apart from him?' Or it could be the fact that I am wearing several dunlop tyres around my waistline?
I seem to recall in my 20/30's I could happily have taken part in the 'world's best flirt' competition. I can also never recall being single up to the age of 32. I also recall having enormous fun while living in Singapore, unashamedly chatting up ex pats on many a Saturday night. I even owned my own special ' pulling pants' which had a 100% success rate.
So what is happening now as I repeatedly find myself avoiding that hot bloke eyes just in case he believes that I may be interested? Why do I find myself struggling to believe that any decent bloke would be interested in taking me out?
Fortunately, being the stubborn and determined Scorpio that I am, I am willing to do something about it and have started with two new affirmations, just to start the ball rolling. These are:
1) I am willing to release the need to think that men find me unattractive
2) I am willing to believe that men do find me attractive.
What is interesting is my huge resistance to even doing these affirmations. You would think I was being asked to clean the cooker with a toothbrush or something as I keep coming up huge excuses and justifications as to why I haven't got time or the inclination to do this 2 minute exercise.
What do i gain from this? Safety perhaps? Protecting myself from rejection? An excuse to stay in on a Saturday night watching Spooks?
( well, it is a top show).
Needless to say, I am for once following my own advice and choosing to ' If I don't feel like doing it, do it anyway'. I will keep you informed of progress!