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Sunday, October 10, 2010

My binge eating disorder

My health has not been brilliant this year and as a result of this, I have gained 14kg in weight, and sadly, developed a rather upsetting binge eating disorder.

As someone who has spent most of her lifetime working out 5 times a week,  eating whatever she wants and not fluctuating from 58kg, the whole process of uncontrollable binge eating was rather upsetting and guilt ridden.   My thoughts became obsessed with food and it was not uncommon for me to eat uncontrollably ( and secretly for 4 hours at a time).  Seriously, i felt I had NO CONTROL over these urges which were hijacking my body.  I can honestly say that they past 4 months of my life with this disorder have been some of the most painful and emotional periods of my life.  On the worst days, I attempted to make myself sick in the hope that the weight gain would stop and I would be able to get some sort of a grip on my binge eating.

As someone who likes to think she is fairly in tune with her body, I also visited endless specialists including immunologists, endocrinologists and also holistic specialists and acupuncturists in the hope of finding some assistance and release from this upsetting and often secret process.
I must admit, the most upsetting part of the process was other people's reaction to my sudden weight gain or discovery of my binge eating practises.  As a coach, I felt it was wise to get this 'out in the open' rather than it become my shame filled secret.    To be honest,  I felt alone, depressed and confused.

Some people laughed and thought it was amusing.   Several 'friends' listened to me crying my eyes out  down the phone but have not contacted me since, as if I have some sort of shameful disorder of which they don't want to be part of.    GP's ordered me to work out more often or eat less.   Other specialists told me I should go on anti -depressants.  Other people just insisted that I needed to alter my diet or ' get a control on my eating habits'.    On more than one occasion I was called ' fatty' or ' round' by people who thought they had the right to comment on my size.   After a while,  it wasn't just the binge eating which was distressing me, but also the decrease in my self image and self esteem.

Finally, 6 months later, I am finally on some medication which seems to help with my insulin resistance, sugar cravings and high cortisol levels.  At last, my body feels like it is mine again and my depression has lifted dramatically. 

I also would like to thank several of my lovely family and friends ( you know who you are) who didn't judge me and held my hand through this entire process.  Thank you for 'babysitting' me in the evenings or calling me regularly to see how I was coping.

In conclusion, what I have learned from this process is never to judge anyone for their weight gain. I experienced first had how people can be judgemental against others who they perceive to be overweight or greedy.   .  I also have a new found respect for anyone who suffers from an eating disorder and understand the pain that they are going through.


  1. Dear Lisa,
    What a heartwarming and informative article! It really drove home, since I, myself, have struggled in the past with binge eating. Being compassionate, does not necessarily guarantee that others around us will be the same but there will always be at least one person who will listen and offer their acceptance and love.
    I am so glad you found your path to healing and I want to give you a big hug for sharing your truth. I feel more courageous today, because of it.
    Love and gratitude
    from sunny Athens in Greece

  2. Thank you Eugenia for your lovely kind comments - and especially for the hug! I hope you have found peace with your struggle as well, I really have a new insight to eating disorders now as really look back at this time as one of the most heartbreaking and difficult times of my life. Sometimes, it is just not as simple as saying ' well don't eat it then' is it! ;0) I am so glad you feel courageous, you have made my day. Sending you a big hug from Sydney! ( which is freezing and not sunny at all!) Big hugs Lisa xxx

  3. Eating Disorder Hope promotes ending eating disordered behavior, embracing life and pursuing recovery. Our mission is to foster appreciation of one's uniqueness and value in the world, unrelated to appearance, achievement or applause. Eating Disorder Hope offers hope, information and resources to those suffering from eating disorders, their treatment providers and loved ones by providing information, groups, articles, virtual library, books, treatment providers and events for individuals struggling with bulimia, anorexia and binge-eating disorders. Check Out The Eating Disorder Hope Blogs, Social Networking Sites and Club. These resources offer a place for sharing between all whose lives have been touched by eating disorders. They are regularly updated with important developments, happenings, events & discussions regarding the prevention and treatment of eating disorders.

  4. This summer is when my eating disorder started, I didn't recognize it at first. I just didn't enjoy eating. Then I realized how unhealthy it was, I told friends and they said the same thing, yet I continued with it. I have gotten a lot better, but it's always there in the back of my mind. Just recently I had to write a paper about eating disorders and at first it was...very painful. It brought back memories, thoughts , and urges. But I desperately tried to stay strong, and I did. So when I saw this blog I had to read it, and you are very inspiring. You make me want to do better and self-care, you make me want to care about myself and what I'm doing to my body. Thank you so much, for hope and inspiration.

  5. Thank you so much for your kind words. I am glad the blog helped you. Shawn, stick with it as you are so worth it. Well done on staying strong and sending you lots of love. XX